Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
