I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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