shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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