So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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