Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
