Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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