I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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