mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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