I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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