you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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