I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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