i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
