i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
