no, he came in my armpit
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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