Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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