How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
