Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Randomize
