So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize