textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
