If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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