Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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