I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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