Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
