woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
