im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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