Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
