Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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