Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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