i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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