Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
