Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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