mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My Sexting was not on an AP level
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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