My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize