WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
