So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize