i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
