I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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