i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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