seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
FUCK WHALES
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
