Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
