i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
