Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
