I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
