If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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