just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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