I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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