we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
