You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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