sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
