I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize