i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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