remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
