Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
