what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
