so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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