Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Randomize
