Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
