i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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