She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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