The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
