If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
