9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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