I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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