I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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