He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
