im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
