i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
