so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
