I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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